Incynicizability

(n.) /ɪnˈsɪn.ɪˌsaɪ.zəˈbɪlɪˌtɪ/ (in-see-nuh-sai-zuh-bee-luh-tee)

That’s not a real word. I don’t think there’s a word that precisely describes this exact concept yet, so I made one myself on the fly after realizing the fact.

in- – not having a quality of

cynic – a person who believes that people are only interested in themselves and are not sincere

-ize – to make, to turn into

-able – having the ability of

-ity – having the quality of

Put together— the quality of not being able to be turned into a cynic.

An incynicizable person is someone who holds an undying, unkillable belief that life is inherently a beautiful blessing and worth putting one’s faith in.

Fear, Shame, Trust and Growth

Premise #1:

In the early chapters of my growth, I scribed this onto my mind:

“I have no fear for failure, except when it drags other people into it.”

It was my attempt to strike the balance between ambition and empathy, two brand new concepts that introduced themselves to me almost side by side at that point in life.

And it has been responsible for many big and small decisions I’ve made ever since, in arguably good and bad ways.

It was the reason I turned down many opportunities and leadership positions. It was the reason behind the barren wasteland of my resume. On my lowest days, it was one of the reason I was reluctant to carry on meetings with my supervisors when I didn’t feel capable of not being late and put their time to waste. But on the flipside, it was the reason I threw myself headfirst without a second thought into the furthest place possible from my comfort zone and eventually managed to transform it into a new outpost for one. It was the reason I chose to go through the second cringe teenage phase in my fourth semester, just to relearn what I’ve been missing in the first one, which I still believe to this day as my greatest accomplishment to my growth as a person.

So, the mindset works, albeit with some downsides. It accelerates my growth; it also hinders it. But the evidence of the former doesn’t justify the existence of the latter, right? And besides, I haven’t really look deep enough into it.

Is it an expression of noble selflessness, or distrust towards others’ capabilities to bear your failure? Is it the Ego in disguise, saying others don’t possess as much mental resilience as yours?

Premise #2:

Someone said that society is a system built upon shame.

People go about their day with assumptions that others will have enough shame not to do theft, or to invade their privacy. When those assumptions are disproven, that can only mean one thing: the person lacks shame, and we will make sure that soon will no longer be the case for them.

Synthesis:

The other ingredient, society is built upon trust.

We trust other people that they do have and will adhere to their sense of shame. We trust other people to be able to deal with our mistakes we unintentionally spilled over them, to understand that it was the stubborn residue of our effort to control things we can control. And ultimately, in our carefully made, poorly expressed apology, we trust them with their choice to, or not to, forgive.

And once you realize that they operate under the exact same principle, once they trust their decision to be onboard with yours which may or may not end up good for them, will you do the same for them?

Belajar Belajar

Ternyata belajar juga bukan selalu tentang mengernyitkan mata sekernyit-kernyitnya untuk mencitra makhluk paling tak kasat mata, bukan tentang merentang tangan berjinjit kaki sejinjit-jinjitnya untuk menghawa bintang terjauh di alam semesta. Bertanya tarif tol lingkar luar Jakarta, beda jaket varsity dan jaket bomber, tempat fotokopi termurah di Dago, kabar terbaru latihan motor Adik, model kerudung kesukaan Ibu, itupun belajar juga. Belajarlah bukan untuk mengetahui apa yang dunia belum ketahui. Belajarlah untuk mengetahui apa yang kamu belum ketahui.

Significance

Andil.

Paruh awal 2015, di atas Nex hijau, selepas SPBU Kodau. Pikiranku memutar kembali kejadian hari ini. Puisi “Seribu” karya Habibie yang kudeklamasikan di depan kelas pada jam pertama tadi sepertinya tidak semengena versi yang kuperdengarkan ke telinga khayalku. Pendekatan flat-tapi-mendalami yang aku coba terapkan agaknya kurang cocok dengan bawaan lahirku yang flat juga ini. Mungkin di hadapan mereka tadi aku seperti siswa SD yang sedang membaca teks Ibu Budi. Canggung.

Atau mungkin, bukan karena bawaan lahir. Karena sebelum giliranku, seorang perempuan yang sepenilaianku baik bawaan lahir maupun gaya pembawaan puisinya sama denganku, sukses mengheningkan seisi kelas hingga hanya tersisa suaranya. Apa lalu yang salah? Mungkin tidak ada. Yang pasti ada satu detail yang tidak sengaja kuperhatikan. Saat dia membacakan puisinya tadi, beberapa kali mata kirinya mengedip. Bukan kedipan normal. Mengedip keras, seperti ingin agar alisnya bertemu dengan pipi. Seperti ini.

Refleks otot wajahku memperagakan isi pikiranku, mengedipkan mata kiriku seperti ingin mempertemukan alis dan pipi, mengakhiri monolog memori canggung yang sejak entah berapa menit yang lalu kugumam. Dan besoknya, setiap kali sebuah memori canggung terputar di otakku karena alasan apapun, begitu pula gestur kecil itu teraktuasi dengan sendirinya. Di luar sadar. Hingga saat ini. Dan setiap kali itu terjadi, aku tahu siapa pemilik aslinya yang menularkanku gestur tersebut.

That day, “Awkward Twitching” was created as an entry in Mudiwiiki, with her holding significance over it. And simultaneously, so were “Significance” and “People of Significance” themselves, with her also holding the significance over both.

—

Significance is an abstract link created by the author that connects a unique topic to a unique person. Significance can be made as a form of attribution or credit to the person, or simply an arbitrarily-made connection. Factors determining how and when a significance forms are abundant, from an action done directly by that person down to mere happenstance where the person and the object are being observed together by the author.

Significance is somewhat an ordered list. That is, there is a notion of “most significant person”, although not very clearly defined. People of Significance tend to be valued higher by the author if the significance they hold is of values that happened to be important to him. However, this does not necessarily mean the person themselves are regarded as equally important to the author, considering that the highly variable ways one can earn a significance over an object does not always transfer the value of the object to the person. In its essence, significance serves mainly as a memory tracking method, as well as a way to celebrate people the author has met and known throughout his life and all the marks they left on him.

The Indonesian translation andil was coined in early 2022, seven years after the initial conception.

—

See also:

List of Significances

Reasons

Pertimbangan.

How did I come up with the idea of this whole thing in the first place?

Because I want to learn how to write.

Because I always have a desire to put my thoughts into words.

Because these thoughts deserve to be refined and materialized.

Because something, someone, inspired me. Several somethings, several someones, sprinkled through time.

….

And why did it take me so long to actually start writing something worth reading here?

Because I was torn between the wiki format or the conventional blog format.

Because I doubted this is the right medium for the kind of things I want to express.

Because most of my thoughts’ true forms are not in the form of neat, cohesive paragraphs.

Because the moment I put my thoughts into words, I break down the superposition, and there’s no telling if what gets to become part of this reality is the realest version or not.

Because despite the fuzzy nature of my thoughts, I wanted to exert order on them by putting things into neat categories and networks, and that desire overwhelmed me.

Because I couldn’t decide between English and Indonesian to write my thoughts in. My brain thinks in English, but my heart feels in Indonesian.

Karena aku tidak tahu kalau pakai Bahasa Indonesia, gaya bahasa yang nyaman buatku itu seformal apa. Belum lagi perkara pakai aku/saya/gua.

Because life got in the way.

Because I cringed at the idea of me being poetic.

Because I always wanted to incorporate my personal writing system into this website and it’s just impossible to do.

Because I knew even after I begin writing here, there are still myriads of things worth writing about that won’t belong here.

Because I knew I will mention many familiar names on here and I wasn’t sure if I want them to find out they are being talked about.

Because I didn’t see the need for people to see this anyway.

Because I didn’t think people can handle the fact that the Dino they know has yet another side of him who can come up with this kind of stuff.

Karena diri ini belum yakin bagaimana akhir yang pantas untuk cerita-cerita ini: sebagai radiasi yang terpancar abadi asal jatuh di retina sembarang, atau sebagai getaran transien yang mengusik udara malam untuk habis teredam telinga sepasang.

….

So why is it that I ended up posting this anyway?

Because in the end, I’m the one who decides if any of that matters.

Topic (Concept)

Topic is loosely defined as a subject of thought. Everything that has ever been mentioned inside the author’s mind is considered as a topic.

Classification

Topic is categorized into four fundamental categories:

  1. People: All real human individual, e.g. the author’s friends, family, public figures, or the author himself.
  2. Things: Everything beside people that can be perceived by physical senses. e.g. the author’s inventory, games, fictional characters, or this blog.
  3. Concepts: Everything that cannot be perceived by physical senses, e.g. ideas, activities, or connections between multiple things or people. Topic itself is an example of a concept.
  4. Events: Interaction between people, things, or concepts that is associated with a specific time.